How the fight started...............

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"  while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... _____________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,  and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as  he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after  we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober  since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on  celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... _____________________________   When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept  hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,  the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important  to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp… _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... _____________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming  anniversary.  She said, "I want something shiny that goes  from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds."  I bought her bathroom scales. And then the fight started...... _____________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply  for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license  to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but  I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt  revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, "That silver hair on your  chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social  Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants.  You might have got disability too." And then the fight started... _____________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me  a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect." And then the fight started....... _____________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" That's how the fight started