Smart funny quotes ....

 

 

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
-Phyllis Diller

"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up

because they're looking for ideas."
-Paula Poundstone

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?'

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
-George Carlin

"He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals."
-Ben Franklin

"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."
-Erma Bombeck

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
-Milton Berle

"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to

 believe you know what you're talking about."
-Evan Esar

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
-Lily Tomlin

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
-Julia Child

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
-Lucille Ball

"I can resist everything except temptation"
-Oscar Wilde

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled

as good as bacon."
-Doug Larson

"If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate. Never release chocolate."
-Renee Duvall

"Laughter is the best medicine for a long and happy life. He who laughs - lasts!"
-Wilford A. Peterson